Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
