He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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