So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
this will be a night to untag.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
