Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
