I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
