Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I think I have vodka in my lungs
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
