I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
