When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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