I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I came so hard my ears popped.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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