Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
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