this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
