Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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