Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
i think my cat just said my name.
Randomize
