So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
