Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
