"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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