I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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