I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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