If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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