did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
