i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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