I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
