I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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