She's like a pop up book from hell.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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