hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
