I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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