yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
