Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
