New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
She even gives head with a lisp.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
