My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
