Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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