I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
