I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
