Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
