Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize