turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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