Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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