4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
