wanna go halves on a baby?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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