Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Randomize
