when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Randomize
