...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
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