I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I enjoy the company of your penis
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
