then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize