I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Randomize
