I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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