I smell stomach acid.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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