who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
