All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
