Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
