you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
well most of my day revolves around power hour
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
