someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
