Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
