doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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