this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
They are going to name an STD after you.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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