First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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