Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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