i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
