The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
