I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
