he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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