Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
