he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
