So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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